There are moments in a woman's life that build character.
Childbirth.
Heartbreak.
Running a business.
And waking up on Saturday morning to discover ONE F*CKING FOOT IS ORANGE.
Welcome to fake tan roulette. 🎰
We've all played.
Friday night starts beautifully.
Everything shower done. ✔️
Exfoliated within an inch of your life. ✔️
Fresh bedding unfortunately put on THAT VERY MORNING. ✔️
Tan mitt located after a 25-minute search. ✔️
You stand naked in the bathroom thinking:
"Tonight, I become a bronzed goddess."
No babe.
Tonight you're about to discover a patch behind your left knee that apparently has the absorption rate of a fucking Weetabix.
8:47PM — CONFIDENCE IS HIGH
First leg: immaculate.
Second leg: even better.
Stomach: blended.
Arms: stunning.
You're thinking you could probably open a tanning salon.
You've absolutely nailed this.
Then you get to your back.
Right.
How the F*CK are we doing this then?
Suddenly you're performing Cirque du Soleil in the bathroom trying to reach the six inches between your shoulder blades.
Eventually you decide:
"Nobody sees that bit anyway."
Excellent.
Moving on.
9:26PM — THE HANDS
Every woman knows the fear.
You've finished tanning your entire body and now you're staring at your hands.
Too little = white hands, brown arms.
Too much = Victorian chimney sweep.
There is NO MIDDLE GROUND.
You lightly sweep the mitt over them.
Beautiful.
Elegant.
Responsible.
Then for absolutely no reason whatsoever you go back and add another wee bit.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
LEAVE THEM ALONE JANICE.
😂😂😂
10:14PM — DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING
Now you're wandering around the house like a recently varnished dining table.
Don't sit down.
Don't cross your legs.
Don't wash anything.
Don't let the dog lick you.
And DO NOT under any circumstances put on a cream bra.
You need the toilet?
Absolutely f*cking not.
Hold it until morning.
11:03PM — BED
Time for the official fake-tan uniform:
A gigantic black T-shirt that has survived three relationships, two house moves and approximately 400 tanning sessions.
Sexy?
No.
Practical?
ABSOLUTELY.
Into bed you go like a human gingerbread man trying not to touch the sheets.
Your partner attempts to cuddle you.
GET THE F*CK OFF ME.
This tan has not developed yet.
Love has boundaries.
7:12AM — THE REVEAL
You wake up.
For three beautiful seconds you forget.
Then you remember.
THE TAN.
Straight to the bathroom.
Light on.
Mirror.
…
Jesus Christ.
One elbow is the colour of a walnut.
Your knees are six shades darker than your thighs.
Your left ankle has developed what can only be described as a tan tide mark.
And WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED TO YOUR THUMB?!
Your thumb looks like it has been on a two-week holiday BY ITSELF.
Meanwhile there's a completely white patch beside your armpit that could probably be seen from space.
Perfect.
Absolutely f*cking perfect.
AND THEN COMES THE SCRUBBING
You get into the shower.
Surely it'll rinse down.
It does not rinse down.
So now you're attacking your ankle with an exfoliating mitt like it owes you money.
Scrub.
Scrub.
SCRUB.
The rest of your body is becoming increasingly red while the orange patch remains completely fucking committed to the cause.
At this stage you're considering sandpaper.
THIS IS WHY RBF TAKES TAN SERIOUSLY 😂
Listen.
We love fake tan.
We just don't believe applying it should end with you Googling:
"HOW TO REMOVE FAKE TAN FROM KNUCKLES IMMEDIATELY."
Enter RBF Tan O'Clock Somewhere Self Tan Mousse. 💙
A gorgeous golden tanning mousse designed to give you that "Have you been away?" glow instead of the "Has something happened?" glow.
✔️ Hydrating Aloe Vera.
✔️ Vegan.
✔️ Paraben-free.
✔️ Available in Medium, Dark and Ultra Dark.
Because we don't do orange.
We don't do Oompa Loompa.
And we definitely don't do tans that make your family ask:
"Jesus Janice, what happened to ye?"
😂
Get your mitt.
Moisturise the dry bits.
GO EASY ON THE F*CKING HANDS.
Blend your ankles.
And for the love of God…
STEP AWAY FROM THE BOTTLE WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.
Your future Saturday-morning self will thank you.
RBF COSMETICS 💙
Life's complicated enough. Your fake tan doesn't need to be.
SHOP THE TAN → because Tesco Rotisserie Chicken was never the aesthetic. 😂
